Kirby Super Star Ultra

Way way back in 'the day', defined loosely as the era between when I was 15 and 17, my obsession in gaming was over Kirby Super Star for the SNES. My cousin in tow, I would play KSS time and time again, avidly trying my damndest with Nintendo Power as my guide to find every one of the treasures in Great Cave Adventure.

Kirby Super Star Ultra is every bit as much Kirby Super Star as you remember, except even better. The silly minigames of Megaton Punch and the samurai showdown thing that is not, in fact, Samurai Showdown, have been taken out in favor of implimenting Mario Bros 64 DS-esque touch-screen sensitive ones. The game has been restored to its former glory, upgraded graphics and sound for the DS, and with the Metaknight himself as an unlockable character! It is a complete blast.

Go backwards about...a year? Yeah, I think a year. I pick up Kirby Squeak Squad, thinking, oh shit son, maybe it'll be like Kirby Super Star? I was sadly disappointed. KSS's main point of unbelievable fun was the multitude of different attacks each Hat had. Ninjas could explode after taking damage, throw shirukens, wall cling, and running slash. Most of these - wall clinging, for example - were hilariously pointless. But it was still loads of fun, finding each successive hat and discovering the new tricks you could learn. Squeak Squad didn't have this, and was merely one game of Kirby on the cartridge.

But Kirby SSU is the excellent Kirby Super Star brought to DS with new features. What more do you want? The reason I bought it was simple; Kirby Super Star isn't working on the version of SNES9x for PSP I have.

Crisis averted.

God of War 2

So I just finished God of War 2.

And you know, I was thinking that I'd have to buy a PS3 once God of War 3 came out. Thank god Wikipedia pointed out that David Jaffe isn't working for SCEA anymore.

Phew. That was close!

The List 'O Buckley

I don't like Tim Buckley or Control Alt Delete.

This is pretty much a given among people whom are well-read in the world of webcomics or comics in general. I'm just getting into the comic market and discovering exactly what I like and do not like. I've got my guilty pleasures, The Boys among them, but there are things about Control Alt Delete that I just cannot stand. So I have made a list.

Top Ten Reasons Buckley's Comic is a Shithole!

10 - Tim Buckley's shitty attitude. You know, he might just be the nicest guy in the world. But when you start talking trash about his comic, be it ragging on it for lulz or actually to give criticism, oh shit son it's on now. He has gone to his own forum and banned, locked, or deleted threads or post that rag on, criticize, or otherwise question his comic in any way. And he always puts it up to the classic 'jealousy' tag.

"Oh, I'm running a big webcomic and living off of it and you aren't, therefore anything negative you have to say is just you wishing you were me!" If you don't believe me, I offer you proof.

There was even a time when his horribly stupid "Church of Gaming" storyline was challenged for being extremely juvenile and offensive to people whom were actually religious. Ban and lock? You betcha!

9 - Tim Buckley's delicate ego. The man edits his own Wikipedia article to avoid making him look bad while under a false name. Gratuitous inclusions of "Criticism" being replaced with "Reception" as per the rules.

Best part: Current edit says that Tycho called the miscarriage storyline "the first Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
What they actually said:

Gabe: I think he's an art criminal.

Tycho: I think Tim Buckley is the antichrist, and I think that miscarriage storyline was the first horseman of the Apocalypse.

8 - Tim Buckley likes to hear himself talk. Granted of course that's exactly what I'm doing. But I have a point. Most of his newsposts are like most good newsposts - don't talk about anything topical. Just keep it short and sweet. Nerd stuff for a nerd crowd.

But then he goes ahead and says shit like this. Whining? Moaning about his love life? Teaching people about miscarriages? You decide!

7- Everything Tim does that attempts to be shocking or incredible doesn't change the comic at all. This isn't just the miscarriage storyline, either. Just look at the overall time that CAD has been around - since 2002, right? And when did they get engaged? Like, what, 2005? Even if it isn't a direct parallel to real-time, you're still looking at the entire thing as a terrible plot device just used to attract attention. They mentioned wedding plans, what, once? And Ethan blew it off in favor of going to play video games? And it was okay because he's Ethan and that's what he does?

The miscarriage story arc was just an extension of this - Oh man, drama! But everything's better now. I got wind of that and actually was interested. A miscarriage? Intriguing! Maybe Ethan will grow up now? Maybe Lilah and him will have a rocky relationship and have to reconcile it, ooh, all kinds of possibilities!

And then, a few episodes later, Lilah returns home. They're fine. Nothing is changed. Everything is identical to what it once was. Publicity stunt = over!

6 - His strict adherence to the four-panel template kills every good joke he has. I don't know if I need to explain this, but if you just open up and go to the site (Well, okay, I can excuse you this time) and just look at any comic not featuring the main characters. We'll use his Soul Calibur 4 joke.

Panel two, Darth Vader holding Soul Edge, looking at Luke Skywalker with a saber. Funny by itself, no need for anything else. That alone is great. Combined with sitting and talking about it for three other panels it's not even a 'meh'.

5 - Every damn character that isn't the three protagonists is a shitty rip on the very culture Buckley claims to be a part of. I'm all up for making fun of gamers. A little self-fun-poking never hurt nobody. But god damn, every single gamer in the world that isn't Buckley himself - Oops, I meant Ethan - is a fat, skinny, ugly, stupid, you name it, they are it gamer. He lampoons the very culture he's a part of, but see, he isn't, since he's already got the girl and therefore his life is perfect.

Hot damn, I knew Ethan was a Mary-Sue, but the parallels are becoming more distinct by the minute.

4 - He makes up shit for cultures he's not a part of and gets it all horribly wrong. The Gaming Religion was horribly offensive, and I'm not even religious. But come on - A bunch of priests come telling Ethan and Lucas (rightly!) that their religion is a huge pile of shit, and when provoked into explaining the existence of their gods, stare like a bunch of morons at an SAT test. I would think that people who are religious have a better answer to those who question their faith, Buckley.

Hell, why not go into gaming subcultures, anyway? He's got a comic where a guy rolls a d20 and kills a dragon. Dragon protests. "But I'm a fucking dragon." Guy says it doesn't matter, natural 20. Dragon dies. Has Buckley ever even played DND, or anything like it?

Favorite moment - Lucas, the bigger and burlier guy, going out with Kate while she was wearing her fatsuit. Really classy and sensitive, jackass.

3 - The comic itself's art style, layout, and execution. God damn son, that is one ugly comic. Every damn face looks the same, plus or minus 'fat' for Lucas and 'thin' for Ethan. The faces are identical for men and women, the only thing separating the former with the latter having breasts.

But it isn't just the faces, either. The whole comic! Body parts and hands and sizes and shapes and everyone looks the same. Period. He's done some experimenting lately with clothes, but it still doesn't change the fact that women = men with boobs in his art style.

And the comic is stuffed with words. For no reason!

My favorite comic is one from late 2007. A man is standing outside (I think it's outside, there's clouds and no buildings, trees, or anything) holding a guitar hero controller. The text bubble says "La la la, I love Guitar Hero. So much fun!" or something. Another man comes on, tells him to learn a real guitar. They argue. Final panel: Guitar Hero controller is a bat, and the head of the other guy goes flying into the background.

Not funny, full of unnecessary words, shitty drawing, lazy (no background AT ALL), I mean, the problems stack up. Speaking of which...

2 - Violence = punchline is the most awful comic ending you can have. I swear to god that for each comic that has a good joke there are five comics in CAD's archives that have absolutely no joke and tenuously related violent moment at the end of the comic.

Leaping in circles in an MMO irritating Buckley? Violent punchline. Middle aged jackasses telling you to play a real guitar because they see you with Guitar Hero? Whack his head off abruptly with the controller. First set of comics you've ever made and don't know what to do? Shoot an arrow at the protagonist and make him be okay the next issue. Penny Arcade did it, so why not?

Penny Arcade's genius lies in the hilarious avatars of Gabe and Tycho. They are extensions of the artist and writer, yes, but they are cartoon characters. They can die, act mean, kill people, kick babies, whatever. It doesn't matter because they are just mediums to make a joke.

Aaaaaaaand the number one reason that I hate Control Alt Delete...

1 - CAD's characters are completely, utterly, and incredibly awful. I have a hard time believing Buckley could possibly fancy himself a writer with the kind of protagonists in his comic. Ethan is a Mary Sue Superman in every way, right down to the godawful miscarriage story arc. He spends his time abusing his friends, family, and coworkers. He has the awesome girlfriend despite his alcoholism and violence and apathy. He is into comics, he draws, he writes, he games, he can build himself a robot best friend and robotic super-hands, he does whatever he wants to do because he can do it cause he's Ethan.

Let's not forget when he bought a scorpion and it nearly killed Lucas' new girlfriend Kate, and everyone just sighs, rolls their eyes, laughs hysterically, and the credits roll. That silly Ethan, endangering people's lives in wacky ways!

Lilah is the ultimate shitty stereotyped gaming chick. She exchanges things that girls actually do in favor of being some crappy plot device, (especially her ability to get pregnant and have a miscarriage, of course!) right down to having absolutely no friends or discernible life beyond being Ethan's Girl Gamer Fiancee. She is the ultimate woman in Buckley's mind; hot, pro gamer, no life, and willing to be with you regardless of how much of a dumb prick you are.

Lucas is the Shitty Luck guy. You know how in Tom and Jerry they have evenly matched blows with each other, whacking one another on the head with giant hammers at an even exchange? Well Lucas is like the entire stretch of Bugs Bunny, Tom and Jerry, and Ed Ed and Eddy rolled into one. Every girl he ever meets he either screws it up with, never goes after it with, or they end up being completely insane. He is always at the receiving end of Ethan's physical assaults, and yet he never thinks hey, maybe my best friend is completely batshit fucking loco.

And the Linux guy, fucking a, the Linux guy! I don't even know his name! He's been in the comic for like, what, the entire stretch of it's history and in the last year he's been in like, four comics? You've got a train of hilarious potential right there if you would just include him! But, nope. You got the Wacky Roommate, Straight Man, and Mary-Sue's Girlfriend. Anything else would be too much.

One might say, but Julian, he'd run out of material if his characters kept changing! To which I'd say, god forbid he ends up a little less like Megatokyo and a little more like Shortpacked. And so what if he ran out of character development material? That's fine with me! He could just as easily go find a new set of gamers to develop next, use them as a storytelling medium. Make them go through interesting story arcs! I am totally okay with that.

It offends me to no end as a writer that he expects me, time and time again, as a reader to take his characters as real people. The miscarriage story arc was a perfect example; here we go with Lilah suddenly pregnant, meaning that maybe Ethan has to actually man up and take some responsibility and grow up, but instead we're given a miscarriage. An awkward stab at provoking emotion and drama, erasing any possibility of doing anything beyond feeding his constant, steaming, shitty meal ticket.

CAD is a million times better when it doesn't feature his main characters. But that isn't saying much.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just jealous of Tim's success.

The best part about this blog is that I know if he ever does catch wind of it, he's going to blow it off in his usual, high-and-mighty, flippant attitude. And hey, I don't mind him disregarding some guy on the internet's opinion of him. But I would have guessed all million of us 'some guys' would have shown him that his comic sucks.

But than again, I guess not.

Fallout 3 Preview

So one of the bigger things on the market that is getting both praise and hatred and curiosity and I think that was three things is Fallout 3. The issue is really divided into two very equal groups.

Generally, the fans of Fallout say, hey, this isn't Fallout. This is a Fallout-inspired Oblivion knockoff. This is because the game has been turned from a strategy RPG kinda hybrid into a first- and third-person perspective RPGish game. Bioshock comes to mind.

The other group is everyone else. They say, hey, this looks neat. Being able to target body parts in freeze-frame time and shoot them with an accuracy based upon your skills? Interesting.

I'm of the latter group, but I'm also of the former. Let me elaborate.

I played Fallout 1 and 2, and hey, they were pretty great. They were chock-full of problems but they were really great. I loved the engine and I got a kick out of the After the Bomb setting. My problems with the game were simple; the game was too difficult to play. There were way too many areas where I wasn't clear about the sequence you could go in, and therefore I would sequence break the hell out of it.

It was like to play Fallout you needed a degree in The Fallout Sequence.

Picture this: I go out of the Vault, I find the water chip, return it to my vault, get sent to the Glow, and suddenly there's a mutant who captures me and shoves me in a cell and demands answers from me. I answer with "I don't know," but at that point that was supposed to be a lie.

I totally understand Bestheda's twisting of the game itself as being perverse. I would love to see a fully immersing Fallout tactical RPG just like the old ones, but newer with a new story. But this is the catch; I'm more interested in the Oblivion/Fallout hybrid they've stumbled across.

Maybe I'm just being a Whorehammer, and yes I make up terms sometimes, but the moment he picked up, quote, a "Powerfist", I perked up and paid lots more attention. It severely lacked Space Marine Power Armor or Witch Hunter runes written on it, but punching someone's head off was awesome enough that I forgive them for not committing plagiarism.

Fallout 3 isn't without problems - it's still the Oblivion engine. People talk amazingly stiff, swaying only at the head and, if they feel dangerous, shifting their pinkie. I'm going to place big money on a few points where the game is just going to be loaded with bugs.

I'll still buy it, but the game comes with free redness and irritation.

Rez

So I wanted to take some time to talk about my absolute favorite game of all time.

(*WARNING: I'll probably call twenty games or so my 'favorite games of all time'*)

This game is, as the well-known Gabe has one said, the best hour of his life. I can't help but agree. See for me, whenever I play a game, I have to figure out how to define what kind of an experience it is for me.

Like, most games fall into a 'time passing and accomplishment' category. Puzzle Quest and Mass Effect and KOTOR series and all sorts of games with cool storylines are just something I have to beat to know what happens. The story book but with graphics, if you will.

Some games, fighters especially, are under the competitive flag. I have to play because I like being good enough to conquer my friends. I like being competitive and improving, being able to defeat any opponent, conquer any adversary. Knowing what I can do, and seeing what my opponent's limits are. Isn't that what wandering kung-fu masters do? If I think I was meant to be born in the Chinese Dynasty era.

Then we get to the third category, which is kind of the point of this newspost. I play some games because I like being enthralled by the experience, carried away to literally feel myself becoming part of the game. Very few games have managed to do this to me so far, Rez and Shadow of the Colossus are the first and foremost examples.

Most rhythm games follow a pattern where the music is being played and, in that, you have to keep up with the music to make it sound official. You are, in essence, repeating the music. An actor playing out a script that has been written for him.

Rez takes this approach in reverse. Instead, you are the rhythm, and you become the music itself. The background music is just the setting for the music you produce; everything from locking on, firing, missing, activating the power-up, advancing your form, even getting hit all are just music-making sound effects that mesh.

I have never, in all my life, been so in unison with music itself as I have been with Rez. The first level - Buggie Running Beeps - made me feel as though I really was that hacker trying to enter a super-high level security zone, captured my extremities and pulled me in.

I really was fantastically absorbed by that game. But, really, why? What made it so amazing?

Synthesia is, I think, the word we're looking for here. The game was nothing special as far as video games go. But I'll be damned if it wasn't totally worth the ride.

See for me video game music has always had a special place in my heart - that's for another newspost, of course - but I'd like the record to show that I truly believe games just aren't the same unless they have amazing music. God of War needed it's epic surging of classical and vocals. Shadow of the Colossus needed it's sweeping, shifting fantasy music to cue in at the appropriate moments. Devil May Cry 3 needed to abandon it's entire rock/metal aesthetic in favor of a full-on orchestra with vocals leading "Devils Never Cry" for the final battle.

And, in that, Rez needed it's trance.

I mean strip everything that makes it Rez away and you've got a cakewalk of a rail shooter. But in doing that, I think, you'd be undoing everything the lead developer actually spent time on. Instead of dumping his money and planning into a rail shooter you've probably seen a million times he made you feel like you were a part of the game instead of holding the controller.

And hey, it worked. Game of the year, or something. Woo.

One other game has managed to do that, and that is Shadow of the Colossus.

Too Human review

Looks like my thoughts were right. "Do not buy this game." But the writer in me must insist upon telling you more. Brace yourself gentle reader.

I'm generally a patient person.

Like, only a few things really piss me off. Someone being intentionally a jerk because they think it's funny comes to mind. But everything else - stupid customers, stupid customer service/tech support, braggarts, dying repeatedly in video games - I can handle it. I'm generally calm enough that I can blow it off.

Too Human seems bound and determined to test my patience with death.

I have spent years - years! - being extremely trial-and-error in video games, starting with Mega Man, Castlevania, and Mario back in the day. Today I have Devil May Cry and Ninja Gaiden to provide me with those sorts of love/hate relationships. One false move, and that's it. You get comboed and there goes a huge portion of your life.

But do you know why I have an infinitely easier time stomaching - indeed, loving passionately - these games? Because they allow you to heal yourself, or give you the ability to block, or some combination of the two (God of War, in a way). Too Human does none of this. In fact, out of five classes, only one of them even has the rudimentary ability to heal, and your only method of not being hit is to dodge.

But, again, this wouldn't be so bad if you basically knock everything into a 'stunned' mode for hitting them, Double Dragon style. Too Human barely does this. Let me explain.

Here is a basic encounter in Too Human: Twenty minions with a handful of hits a piece. Two to three missile-launching mortar-machine whom can launch about four at once, all of which track to your last known location. One to two melee-combat decked out robots whom are immune to the 'stun' effect until you break their shield.

So, what do you do? Wading through the hordes of minions is fun, but you're still being peppered by missiles. Well, if you go to fight the missile-launchers, you get fucked up by the Tricked Out Rape Bot. Engage him? Well, every attack you hit him with just hits his shield instead, meaning he doesn't get stunned unless you air combo him.

So, okay, the encounter goes Air Combo Robot, Kill Mortars, Finish Off Rest. Well that's when the game fucks with you.

Instead it'll pitch out the whole system to instead throw four or five ranged arrow-launching fuckers, or three of them and an ogre-like robot with an attack throw, all of whom immune to melee stun, or (and here's the kicker) minions that explode or freeze upon death, thereby making you more dead/vulnerable to the other minions.

So, like, the game hates you.

That's not even counting the fact that the game mercifully grants you the ability to respawn after death with slight durability damage back at a checkpoint. However, like the benevolent asshole, this merciful event is knocked from your childish grasp by the Goddamn longest death animation ever, where a Norse tech angel swoops down and picks you up. Slowly. Unskippably.

It would be less annoying if the game didn't rely on you dying once or twice every encounter at minimum.

Let me flash you back to this time two weeks ago. I go into Gamestop. I know everyone there. The Assistant Manager Jessie is talking to me.
"You getting Too Human?"
"Huh? Oh, probably not. I haven't heard too much about it."
"It's going to be awesome! I heard it's like a sci-fi Diablo for the 360, but better!"
I think a moment. "...well, sci-fi would make Diablo suck less."

I guess not, then.

Treachary and Judging

It recently hit me that I am too long-winded when I blog. I'm nowhere near as interesting or as arrogant as Tim Rogers, so I should keep things relatively short from now on. I shall do so. Starting...Wait for it...now.

Today I was playing FFTA2. It is a good game. In fact, I daresay it is a very very good game. I have one slight problem with it though, and that is some of the Judgment system's choices for 'banning.' It seems slightly unfair to me when I end up entering a fight that pits me against four Black Mages and a team of fighters at the front, and the Judge says I can't use actions that "Consume MP."

Picture this: You enter a fist fight, prepared to brawl, but you can't make attacks that "Utilize Limbs."

But then I thought, oh, that's okay, I can't heal or nuke, I still have two fighters and a thief on my side, and they can't nuke either. Hell, that's over half his party! This should be easy. Come to find out these universal rules don't apply to my cleverly-constructed opponent. Sure, it may have been a challenge specifically created to raise my guild's stats, but I will not give the game the satisfaction of being right.

Especially not when it then bans "Reaction Commands," right after they give me a Thief-class character who comes equipped with counter.

I mean, sure, it probably was my fault for not looking at what powers she had, but come on! This was the beginning of the game! I figured it was a safe assumption to believe that, if none of my party could get this power, neither could newcomers. Consider myself taught.

Too Human comes out tomorrow. It's getting mixed reviews by people who call it Diablo on the 360. I hated Diablo 1 and 2, so with luck this game should be a simple review of "Don't Buy This Game."

I'm going for 'short and sweet' from now on, so 'simple review' sounds pretty good to me.