Too Human review

Looks like my thoughts were right. "Do not buy this game." But the writer in me must insist upon telling you more. Brace yourself gentle reader.

I'm generally a patient person.

Like, only a few things really piss me off. Someone being intentionally a jerk because they think it's funny comes to mind. But everything else - stupid customers, stupid customer service/tech support, braggarts, dying repeatedly in video games - I can handle it. I'm generally calm enough that I can blow it off.

Too Human seems bound and determined to test my patience with death.

I have spent years - years! - being extremely trial-and-error in video games, starting with Mega Man, Castlevania, and Mario back in the day. Today I have Devil May Cry and Ninja Gaiden to provide me with those sorts of love/hate relationships. One false move, and that's it. You get comboed and there goes a huge portion of your life.

But do you know why I have an infinitely easier time stomaching - indeed, loving passionately - these games? Because they allow you to heal yourself, or give you the ability to block, or some combination of the two (God of War, in a way). Too Human does none of this. In fact, out of five classes, only one of them even has the rudimentary ability to heal, and your only method of not being hit is to dodge.

But, again, this wouldn't be so bad if you basically knock everything into a 'stunned' mode for hitting them, Double Dragon style. Too Human barely does this. Let me explain.

Here is a basic encounter in Too Human: Twenty minions with a handful of hits a piece. Two to three missile-launching mortar-machine whom can launch about four at once, all of which track to your last known location. One to two melee-combat decked out robots whom are immune to the 'stun' effect until you break their shield.

So, what do you do? Wading through the hordes of minions is fun, but you're still being peppered by missiles. Well, if you go to fight the missile-launchers, you get fucked up by the Tricked Out Rape Bot. Engage him? Well, every attack you hit him with just hits his shield instead, meaning he doesn't get stunned unless you air combo him.

So, okay, the encounter goes Air Combo Robot, Kill Mortars, Finish Off Rest. Well that's when the game fucks with you.

Instead it'll pitch out the whole system to instead throw four or five ranged arrow-launching fuckers, or three of them and an ogre-like robot with an attack throw, all of whom immune to melee stun, or (and here's the kicker) minions that explode or freeze upon death, thereby making you more dead/vulnerable to the other minions.

So, like, the game hates you.

That's not even counting the fact that the game mercifully grants you the ability to respawn after death with slight durability damage back at a checkpoint. However, like the benevolent asshole, this merciful event is knocked from your childish grasp by the Goddamn longest death animation ever, where a Norse tech angel swoops down and picks you up. Slowly. Unskippably.

It would be less annoying if the game didn't rely on you dying once or twice every encounter at minimum.

Let me flash you back to this time two weeks ago. I go into Gamestop. I know everyone there. The Assistant Manager Jessie is talking to me.
"You getting Too Human?"
"Huh? Oh, probably not. I haven't heard too much about it."
"It's going to be awesome! I heard it's like a sci-fi Diablo for the 360, but better!"
I think a moment. "...well, sci-fi would make Diablo suck less."

I guess not, then.