My best friend is a closet homophobe

So let's see what we ran down in the usual checklist of homophobic things he said today.

I worry about Prop 8 overturned because I don't want to see gay men kissing on TV - check!

The reason I feel this way is because I don't want to see it and therefore they should censor it - check!

I shouldn't have to turn off something I don't like watching; I mean, what if it's in the news? I can't turn that off! - check!

No I don't see a hypocricy in lesbians being okay while gay men are gross, why do you ask? - check!

See cause I'm a straight male, that makes lesbians okay because they're pretty to look at, so, there's your explanation - check!

Any otherwise normal movie would be reduced in value by male homosexuality - check!

If I were getting hit on by a guy at a bar I'd probably react violently 'cause I don't like getting hit on by guys - check!

Well yeah, being considered gay is an insult. ...what? There's nothing wrong with feeling that way - check!

See I'm also against it because I'm opposed to gay couples adopting because it might cause problems with the child - check!

What if the child grows up in a gay household and becomes a straight homophobe? - actually he agreed with me on this one eventually because nature vs nurture shows pretty clearly that anything's possible but still, he totally used it for like two minutes, so...check!

With gay marriage legal hate crime will go up - check!

Well the reason it'll go up is because it's more in-your-face today since the media is giving it such attention - check!

I mean, isn't anyone worried about the children during these gay pride parades? - check! (See earlier blog post for explanation of that one)

Society is too homophobic to let that happen without a backfire (And therefore I'm blaming a faceless third party to avoid making it about my homophobia) - check!

I'm not homophobic just because I don't want to see gay men kissing - check!

And the whipped cream topping!

"I have gay friends(so I GOTS HOMOPHOBIC DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY)." - check!

DING DING DING DING DING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE HAVE YOUR NEW AMERICAN HOMOPHOBE!

BONUS STAGE: "Transexuals are fucked up. I mean, they are mutilating their bodies." 

EDIT: The worst thing is 99% of his argument was well 'cuz I say so, and I don't know if you've ever tried it but arguing with that point is the equivalent of someone saying "Well if I wasn't a hypocrite I wouldn't have an opinion."